An Open Letter For People Who Used To Think They Were Empaths But Are Realizing They’re Neurodivergent
Hey there. However you’ve come here, I assume that your journey included some pit stops in pondering the title of “empath”, “highly sensitive person” and maybe even “starseed”. Maybe you’re still partially holding onto these- and that’s okay. People are still publishing articles about “signs you’re an empath” on reputable websites every day.
But if you’ve also recently discovered that you’re neurodivergent- or are considering it- maybe those terms don’t feel right anymore. In this letter, I’m going to outline specifically some characteristics of the mythical “empath”, how it might link up with your neurodivergent experience, and the shift in understanding yourself.
The Coveted Empath
Maybe there’s a strange love for the empath because neurotypical people often mistake how deeply neurodivergent people can and are actively feeling. So many adults who are realizing they're on the spectrum have endless stories of being told they were just "too sensitive", feeling intense emotions without fully being able to identify where the emotion is coming from, and expressing those emotions in ways that "don't make sense" to allistic people.
Judith Orloff, MD, writer of “The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies For Sensitive People”, suggests empaths lack the filters most people use to protect themselves from excessive stimulation. (I don’t recommend buying this book, but perhaps it getting it from your local library if you want to read it).
In her book, she outlines how to “protect your sensitivities” so that you can “become a balanced, empowered, happy empath.” She encourages you to seek support from your friends, family, partners and employment to better accommodate your needs, and connect with other empaths. She defines being an empath as being on a spectrum with a “super reactor neurological system”.
The parallels just from the introduction have me screaming! Her book is written in good faith, and it'd be harmful to say that this book didn't help people. Speaking from my own personal experience, it gave some clarification and guidance for what I had seen in my life. This is incredibly important- especially in a world where those AFAB slide under the radar and struggle to detect characteristics or get official diagnoses.
Here are some quick bullet points of empath characteristics you may or may not be familiar with:
Have a higher sensitivity to outside stimuli such as sounds, smells, big personalities, and hectic environments
Sense and feel others’ emotions as if they’re a part of your own experience
Feel things very deeply
Take comfort in nature
Don’t do well in crowded places
Have a hard time not caring
Are the person that people come to for advice
Need time to recharge
Often feel like you don’t fit in
Tend to isolate
Have a hard time setting boundaries
Pick up on things that other people miss or connections that people didn’t see
Find it tough to cope with sensory and emotional overload
Moving On From Empath
I was not a responsible empath. Despite having context, I found myself often getting overwhelmed by peoples’ (especially my partner’s) emotions and radiating, even vibrating with anxiety. I thought that they just weren’t being a very supportive person in my journey because I was “so sensitive”. And then, one day, I was lamenting about how we could never have a discussion because my little empath self absorbed everything like a sponge (I know how annoying this sounds!). The person listening to me said, “There’s no such thing as an empath.”
My jaw hit the floor. Wasn't this the reasoning I had been looking for my entire life? What about highly sensitive people or starseeds? What were all these mixed up things inside that matched so succinctly to my lived experience if not an empath?
I was using the empath label as a scapegoat- not to better understand myself, or even help myself move in the world, but to explain why I was always so overwhelmed by everything I encountered. It was like a big permission slip to say: yes babe, you’re sensitive and you can be as sensitive as you need to be. it’s a SUPERPOWER. (Which arguably- was never Orloff's intention at all, just the result of the commodification of healing).
So I took off the empath shield and started looking at the way I was interacting with the world instead. I was knee-deep in the spiritual world and the neurodivergent world, as I learned to support myself and my Autistic daughter. That’s when I found someone talking about the phrasing “highly sensitive person” and how this was just a way to talk about Autism without talking about it.
I tried to go back in my archives to link the creator who sparked this thought process for me, but it's been lost to my notification abyss, so instead I'll share a graphic and article from Dr. Neff. However, this focuses on "highly sensitive kids" vs "Autistic kids", and she herself points out that many Autistic people experience the side defined as the highly sensitive kids- they are just "not defining characteristics of Autism" which, arguably, suggests that being "highly sensitive" doesn't seem to exist on its own.
Seeing the highly sensitive person get broken down piqued my curiosity. I had a bridge being built, but wasn't necessarily ready to walk fully across just yet.
It’s A Spectrum, Right?
Not only does Dr. Orloff describe the empath as existing on a spectrum, but so do neurodivergent people. Of course- we don’t see it played out this way in mass media. Because nuance is too much and everyone knows that Autism is a 5 year old boy who only talks about trains and doesn't experience love. (If you are this- that's okay too btw because hello?? Spectrum??)
And where are the empaths? Oh, deeply feeling, so sensitive, mythical and psychic even! This is not just a harmful misconception—it’s a disservice to those of us who experience the world intensely, sometimes overwhelmingly so. It’s LAUGHABLE: the very traits that are celebrated in empaths are the same traits that, when exhibited by neurodivergent folks, are shamed or misunderstood.
It's no wonder that it would be so much easier to want to be an empath or a highly sensitive person or even a starseed brought here to change the world- instead of neurodivergent. But I think it's truly unhelpful to view yourself in this light.
Something as simple as shifting the way you’re approaching your experience can make a huge difference in the outcome you have.
Shifting Your Approach
Maybe “empath” gave you a big lightbulb moment, opened a door for you, helped you find footing. It’s never my intent to make life less “magical”. I’m a fucking Spiritual Coach for God’s sake. But just like Dr. Orloff states her intent for supporting empaths in her survival guide, you can only truly support yourself if you understand what you need support for.
The empath label may be a stepping stone, but looking at yourself through the lens of neurodivergence can open the world to connect with other neurodivergent people, get accommodations, and talk with your friends and family (all those things she lays out just as an empath lol).
When I started to see myself through the lens of neurodivergence, I began to realize that my sensitivities weren’t a mystical gift (although I am quite mystical and magical ☺️)—they were a part of how my brain is wired. This re-framing didn’t make my experiences any less valid or intense; I don't discount my guides or change my rituals. (But psspss- it did pinpoint why and how my rituals nourish me!!)
When you can take tips and connect with people who are going through experiences more similar to yours, then the accommodations you're able to create for yourself are better at helping. You can identify "Oh- this is a meltdown. I can reduce sensory overload by doing X." Etc.
You don’t have to abandon everything you’ve learned as an empath. If it's something you pursued in the first place, there are probably things you uncovered about yourself during that path that resonate deeply with you. Interests that give you insight into yourself. But I hope that you'll take whatever you initially were drawn to and reconcile it with the next things you discover about yourself- whether that's self-diagnosis, a general identifying of being neurodivergent or seeking a professional assessment.
Here for you in your unmasking journey,
XX
Dylan King
New here?
My work revolves around helping fellow neurodivergent minds like yours use creative writing as a tool on your spiritual journey.
If you enjoyed this blog & you want to:
✓ use your creativity to unmask
✓ get better at accommodating yourself
✓ be v cringey
Then awesome! I come bearing writing prompts, workbooks, (more) blogs, and 1:1 coaching.
A good place to start? The START HERE page of course!
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